Beautifully Broken

“Some days she's a Warrior. Other days she's a broken mess. But every day she talks to her Savior. Trusting, believing and standing on His promises. She knows that she is saved by grace and is a daughter of the One true King.”

Hello Dear Friend,

I recently came across a sentence that was so seasoned for my life in that moment that I just stared at the words and let them soaked in for a few seconds. The letters ran together to create each simple word but when those words strung together they took on a new form and created a powerful message that carried a certain elegance and grace with them.

“I pray you heal from all the things no one ever apologized to you for.”

It’s sad, how many of us walk around silently bearing the weights that no one knows a thing about. We suit up and face the world – all the while the internal battles rage on. Often times we’re fighting in silent battles that leave us with more and more scars from all the pain we had to endure to obtain them. These are battles, pain, and scars that most will never know a thing about because on the outside we look fine. We put on a brave face masking ourselves so as not to let anyone know the hurt we’re currently working through.

I know that God allows us to go through things to test our faith, shift our focus and sometimes our priorities all the while making us stronger. Just like anyone else, I’ve been through some situations that have been pretty monumental for my life. I’ve been walking with the Lord long enough to know that the parts of my story that are ugly and hard to live through are some of the most powerful chapters of my testimony. That doesn’t necessarily mean that it makes it easier but I tend to welcome the trials more knowing that if I wasn’t doing something right, then the enemy would be trying so hard to overthrow me.

I still remember telling my Dad around Thanksgiving of 2018 that it wasn’t lost on me that due to current circumstances I was facing physical, mental and emotional difficulties during a season where most are reflecting on everything they are thankful for. I also remember being pretty pissed since I had intentionally gone into that November with the desire to really embrace the season of Thanksgiving. This probably had something to do with the fact that the previous November was the beginning of an unraveling that had continued throughout the past year. That being said I knew it was the enemy trying to steal my joy and distract my focus, taking it off of everything that I had to be thankful for.

So confession time, I’ve been carrying a lot of pain around since November of 2017. Just when I thought I was beginning to heal I’d get hit with something else that would leave another internal wound. Over the course of fourteen months I was stabbed in the back by a so-called friend who then went on to falsely accuse me of things that had people questioning my character and integrity. During that time, I was also doing the job of 3 people while they used and abused me. Someone I once held a lot of trust in didn't just lie to my face but made me empty promises and left me smack dab in the middle of the shit that they had created. Shortly after that, they had the audacity to ask me to do something illegal for them and even went on to harass me. All of that as you might imagine left me with unwelcomed anxiety.

Day by day I became more and more broken as I'd push through the pain and all the while there was a bitterness growing inside and I could see I was slowly slipping into a version of myself that I never wanted to be. The saddest part is that these were people I trusted. These were people that I had once called my friends. They became so caught up in themselves that they couldn’t even see all the damage they were creating or that they had done anything that would cause them to render an apology anyone much less offer me to one.

It’s been a little over a year since I felt the last punch of ongoing chaos and drama from those toxic people whose binding ties I had yet to sever. The last hit came in early January of 2019. Since then, those people have been removed from my life leaving me feeling damaged, frustrated and hurt, but mostly disappointed in man.

I spent a majority of 2019 surviving. It was almost like a time out, I went through the motions of what was needed and expected of me but mentally, I needed a break. It felt like I had just retreated from a war and needed some time to just be. I needed time. Time to think and reflect. Time to regroup and work through all my emotions. Time to figure out what was next for me. Most importantly, I needed time to heal.

Even still, there are wounds that have far from healed as I try to tell myself, “Why can’t you just get over it already? It’s in the past, stop making it part of your present, just let go!”

I think part of the reason why it has been such a challenge to let go is because I’m having a hard time getting over the hurt. I'm struggling to forgive those who have wronged me, probably because they've never asked for my forgiveness and sadly they never will. What’s most irritating is that I know at this point I’m only hurting myself. I know that forgiving them is a big step for me in my journey toward healing. My lack of forgiveness is the obstacle that's getting in the way of receiving emotional healing, truly being able to let go and dropping the weight that I was never meant to carry.

Though I’m not usually one for resolutions, I guess you could say that one of mine for 2020 would be to focus on getting healthy. I plan to work on being healthy in all the areas of my life but my current focus is to work at letting go of the anger and allowing self-love and room to grow as I move towards my emotional healing. As mentioned in a previous letter, I’m planning on shedding a lot of that pain and bitterness so that I’m free to be awakened to new joy.

I’m aware that for some, my struggles would seem like nothing, petty even. Others can relate as they probably see bits of themselves and their own pasts reflected in my words. Then there are some who are reading this thinking that it sounds like one hell of a story. Each of us has a story to tell and yeah for most people our story will go unnoticed. Because to the world, we’re just one person, one soul, one life that in the grand scheme of things we’re small and viewed as insignificant. But there are others who have been waiting for your story. There are individuals who are struggling and needing to hear what you’ve already walked through and have overcome because for them they’re in the middle of a battle that they can’t see a way out of and your story has brought them a newfound hope to continue on – to one person you might just be the world.

With love,

a Poetic Soul